ebb and flow

One of the things I miss the most about being in the classroom five days a week is the opportunity it gives me to completely forget myself. I use to think this was something inherent to teaching but I think it's what happens whenever we become deeply absorbed in something. We lose all sense of time and self and we get into a flow. Some people might experience this while playing a sport or running, others while cooking, creating or making music. 

I miss that flow, that absorption, that sense of focus and purpose. I've certainly been able to keep myself busy with new activities and projects, like this blog, but it has also felt somewhat restless and unfocused. There isn't the usual sense of external order and flow to the day that was once there and so it seems harder to forget myself. Instead, I'm learning to listen to and trust myself more.

Since there isn't the usual external flow of events there is a need to turn inward to find a new flow. Weeks and weekends, the usual events that mark the passage of time, the going out and coming home, all just blends together now. The usual ebb and flow of activity and rest is missing. 

I find it's easy to get caught in constant activity, feeling that I must fill up every moment of the day with something meaningful and purposeful and productive. At other times, without any external stimulus, it has been difficult to get the momentum going again and reactivate myself from a place of rest and stillness. I'm still discovering and learning to trust a new internal rhythm of activity and rest that is developing.