difficult conversations

The energy it takes to avoid a difficult conversation is much more uncomfortable than the energy it takes to have the conversation. Many times it's the anticipation is many times worse than the actual conversation. Our minds play out all sorts of worst case scenarios. 

This is in the case where we know the conversation is coming. But what about when we suddenly find ourselves in the middle of, or even listening in on, a conversation that suddenly becomes uncomfortable? Perhaps someone has said or done something disagreeable, confusing or unexpected. These things happen regularly in the classroom - kids really do say and do the "darndest things." They say and do mean things to each other without thinking. But these moments are also just a part of life. The question is, how do we react or respond? 

Most of us fight, freeze or flee. It's how our brains are hardwired to respond to stressful situations. The problem is, this response gets in the way of learning and growth. If we stop at this response, we avoid those difficult conversations at all costs usually with some form of silence (i.e. ignoring what was said/done). We end up silently supporting these uncomfortable behaviors and comments and they keep happening which leads to more discomfort.

The alternative is finding ways to calm that initial response (take a deep breath) and realize that you have a choice. Speaking up doesn't have to be angry or emotional. It doesn't have to be personal and it doesn't need to involve shaming someone for what they said or did. In fact, that's the least likely way to effect change. When something is said that needs correction, start with connection. Connection > correction. Acknowledge your concern while also showing them respect. Invite the other person to become aware of what happened and share with them other ways of seeing things. 

If we think doing the right thing should always feel good and easy and comfortable, then we will often remain silent when something really needs to be said. We have got to be willing to risk our own discomfort if we want things to change.